Things I Am Excited About (all deserving of capital letters)

• www.conjectured.com and www.workatjelly.com

The idea of a more organized coffee shop/idea swap experience is hugely attractive to me...I like surrounding myself with friends (usually studying or working on different topics than me) and feeding off the range of energy and ideas. Tempted to check out a Boston Jelly, especially if I get into...

• Consulting for my dad

His custom-design jewelry business could use overhaul in a few areas: PR, marketing, demographics, events, engaging the public, new media, rhetoric/message/branding, etc. We talked for a long time tonight about various ideas I have for the Pittsburgh audience, as well as branching out in various different directions. Nothing he adds to his business will hurt--it will only help or serve as a testing mechanism for future attempts. Plus, most of my ideas would be pretty low-cost--he could pay me or a young person with a similar background to do a lot of the groundwork for minimal money and with minimal supplies beyond a cellphone and a computer. Goal is to convince him to hire me (and actually pay me, something he is horrific at following through on) for the spring...

• Job hunting

Both petrifying and really exciting. Need to make lots of lists of fields/companies/inspirations/interests to research. Boston Best Businesses, using Danielle's connection to a career consultant, calling up all my old bosses, gathering together any actual skills and useful knowledge I've garnered from college, revamping my LinkedIn, blog, Twitter, happylist blog, etc to be useful demonstrations of my skills, and continuing to be excited about the things I'm passionate about.

• Getting my act together

This sounds like my New Year's resolution list, but that's fine. Grocery shopping, gymming, redoing my Google Reader to encompass everything I need (and actually reading it), meditation, keeping in touch (writing actual letters, too) with people near and far, learning how to manage my money in any way shape or form, planning the travel I need for 2009, finding an apartment with Bonnie, paying off any bills, getting a Blackberry-type object, and remembering to take time for me and for the seemingly less consequential things in my life (beyond school and activities and to-do lists). Typing things out makes them seem real: if I have to reread this when I go back through this blog, maybe it will make me uncomfortable enough to follow through.

• To Be Continued :)

Check out www.itsthehappylist.blogspot.com for more exciting things in my life and in other lives!

I have cried more times in the past month than I may have cried the rest of 2008. I'm not sure if this is me letting myself go more often, or more weird things in my life, or hormones, or what. I suppose it's cathartic on some level, but the control freak in me is really upset (maybe I'll cry about it...).

8 days until Thanksgiving. So excited for my family and girls at home and my dog.
3.5 weeks until the last day of the semester.

Some of the good in the past week:

• phonecall from my cousin living in Boston
• shabu shabu with the girls and toomey for Danielle's birthday
• a nice relaxing night at Punter's on Saturday
• giving my 2nd to last presentation in PolComm today
• randomly warm days in November when I could wear flipflops
• the people I see constantly (i.e, almost every day) on campus--the routine makes me smile.
  

I reread all the entries in my old livejournal just now.

So many entries still ring true. And part of me was a lot more honest and open freshman year. Hard to believe this is my fifth year of college. I think I need some of the introspection I allowed myself back then. Now, I think, and then put those thoughts on the backburner to focus on something more "pressing". Introspection is pressing though. And necessary.

My roommate Lori, to me at the bar tonight: "you're that girl that everyone tells their shit to."

When I'm stressed, I hold my breath.

Bizarre, no?

The trickledown effects of it are even sillier. By holding my breath, I cut off oxygen to my brain and probably make it more difficult to use my braincells for the time being. Holding my breath forces me to tense all the muscles in my body, especially my back, causing muscle pain that stresses me out more.

But, I think I know why I hold my breath: in the face of stress and uncontrollable outside forces, only I can control my breathing, and when and how I do it. It's akin, in many ways, to people who use food as a control mechanism (not in an extreme way, but I do that too--I'll tell myself I can eat when I've finished certain tasks or timespans of doing something).

Control is a big deal in my life. I'm learning how to share power and responsibility this semester, and to try to lessen my burdens, and it's tricky business for my personality and my lifestyle. Because I lack control over so much at the moment, it's harder to maintain control, mentally, over the things I actually can maintain oversight on--making me more stressed in the process.

I surround myself with other high-octane control freaks, which by proxy makes me feel like my levels of insanity are normal, when in fact we're all crazy. At least there's comfort in company...? This semester is not what I planned on in any way shape or form, and I'll be a changed person afterwards for many reasons. I guess the lesson is to take away everything I can from the stresses and the control lessons and the things and topics I'm engrossed in, rather than try to maximize the current experience as much as I've been stressing about.

I like learning. No matter how much I can complain about being busy and having a lot of homework, I think I like the chance to be exposed to a lot of things and a lot of people and (un)consciously soaking up as much information and as many ideas as humanly possible. The opportunity to pick up bits and pieces from a variety of arenas has been invaluable.

I may have written about this before, but all my classes interconnect in a way they haven't in any other semester.

• Non-Profit Program Design and Fundraising
• Political Communication (NOT about the elections, strangely)
• Public Policy and Administration (taught by Michael Dukakis)
• Capstone (this is the only one that doesn't fit in)

Non-Profit helps me understand how to better plan, ponder, and structure most things in my life. PolComm brings public policy on disabilities (the focus of our project) in with the design aspects of non-profit work. Public Policy addresses many issues in the election season, and informs what can be altered through PolComm, as well as what is taken care of through non-profits. I TA for a class on Model United Nations and run the club connected to it, and I'm learning myriad amounts about management, leadership, education, public speaking, and international issues and negotiations.

Having friends in most majors, and friends who are interested in subjects from beer to biomedical engineering makes learning about things outside of my own sphere surprisingly easy. In a single group setting, I can talk about quantum physics, rock climbing, what prescriptions you can drink beer with, atonal music, and how twitter is being used with mainstream media. I have friends who are: Republican, Democrat, Libertarian, NRA members, religious zealots, atheists, dirty hippies, capitalists, money grubbers, minimalists, shopaholics, vegetarians, carnivores, actively ambitious, too smart to be anything but successful, humble, proud, loud, and quiet.

If you pay enough attention to those around you, you can learn so much.

absolutely nothing makes me happier than spending time with the people i really care about.

in the face of everything else: death, stress, worry, insecurity, overload of work, i continue to realize that the people in my life are what make everything else worth the time i put in. i have to keep remembering that, because if those i value fall by the way side, pretty soon nothing else holds the same importance, and I would rather not come to that conclusion that too late to change things.

love you all. be safe, be healthy, be happy, and let's keep making time for each other.

Thoughts to be expanded on more thoroughly later:

• my massage yesterday really chilled me out
• i don't like most of the clothing i own
• i think i may have mildly overcommitted myself this semester
• i want a comfy couch or arm chair to do homework and reading in
• i miss a lot of things
• leadership is a complicated concept
• more hugs and cuddling in my life would be good
• having a hard time prioritizing and focusing
• craving more outside time
• in disbelief at how old we all are
  

this semester full of group projects and student groups is going to (hopefully) make me practice playing nicely with others.

whether my group members or I emerge with scratches, war wounds, or psychological trouble can be evaluated at the end of December.

this made me smile so hard today:

where the hell is matt?

Somehow, it's already October. In the midst of 4 of my own classes, the night class/president/TA/jack of all trades experience that is United Nations Association, NUCALLS eboard, mentoring(?) freshmen, actually getting my ass to the gym, trying to stay in touch with friends and family, and getting to know my roommates, its already October. How does that happen? Next up is the BU MUN conference this weekend, Yom Kippur, ladies from London in town, getting drunk and crashing a bride show, pre-election insanity,

There's a lot I feel like I never get around to, or talk about in the hopes of eventually doing. Part of me thinks I need to stop trying to make myself feel guilty/unproductive for not getting to them, and the other part of me knows I need an on going to-do/want-t0-do list to keep myself going.

The one thing I'm loving about campusy-ness this semester is meeting people. My Pol Comm class makes us learn everyone's names, and it's like having 40 new friends to run into. I'm learning all the names of the Model UN class, and it'll make it easier to work with people and a lot more fun. Because of student leadership, I'm also having a chance to meet and network with other people running clubs and activities, and they're almost all the kind of people I identify with. With so many friends studying abroad, I'm glad to have the opportunity to expand my horizons.

All of my classes make me think--even if the work load isn't intense like pharmacy or engineering, its a lot to wrap my head around and it keeps my brain buzzing long after class. The materials all tie together, and are extremely applicable to my past work experience, my current student leadership, and my ambitions--which is scary! A lot of philosophical conversations have risen from what I'm learning, and I feel many more coming on.

In spite of/because of everything going on, I'm still feeling a little unglued a lot of the time. Having a hard time settling into a routine, and figuring out why exactly I feel the need to be so busy all the time. I'm missing a lot of people, and wishing a thing or two had gone differently. The nice part is there's a lot of people and things to help me remember why I'm excited about the semester, but sometimes I think I keep myself busy just so I can't get bogged down in my own brain.

October excitement:
-VP debates tomorrow
-Halloween
-Kenzie comes at the end of the month
-massage appointment in two weeks
-fall weather
-Jon Stewart at NU if I can snag tickets

Wally's was exactly what I needed tonight. A little hole in the wall, with 365-days-a-year live music (Monday is blues night, according to the website). The place has been around since 1947, and it's oozing character, by barely trying. Low ceilings, minimal decor, mostly awards, photos, and some low-key art, but a great crowd, mix of old and young, everyone clapping, swaying, singing. An unfancy bouncer, bar, and bartender--all I drank was Red Stripe, but the chalkboards boasted drinks, wine, and whiskey, too--and above all, great music. Tonight, the set allowed for multiple boozy singalongs, and the music on between sets was the right fit too. Mike and I got kept captive by some crazy drunk woman telling us about her mom's multiple bypass surgeries, and it was all we could do to keep from busting out in ridiculous laughter. Cue more Red Stripe. The night ended, at least for us, with some James Brown (get on up...) and a clove and giggle filled walk home, as we let out the compressed hysteria at gastric-bypass-woman. Tomorrow's my day off, and this was a good way to ease on into a day off full of everything I can't fit into my day's on. Sing myself to sleep with a little James Brown...

im sick of being angry or manic just because im afraid to admit im hurt or slow down.

on the up side, my classes actually all strangely fit together.
keeping in touch with people helps me feel more whole
im learning to be ok with change and growing up
my hair is getting really long
breezy fall days are here!!
i miss parts of the 'burgh
trying to let more in
need to stretch
and sleep.

a bottle of wine later (is that when we're all really honest?)

a smidge overwhelmed
but we all know how i love the manic
wishing i didnt feel so down regarding the/a boy
optimistic about my classes
ambivalent about plenty of things
missing some people and family at home
wishing i felt less all over the place
glad i have my independence
a little sad that no relationship has a major pull on my time
needing more sunshine in my life
ready for some real life responsibility
in need of a goal/purpose beyond the immediate future
absolutely craving affection/sex/anything in that category
proud and embarrassed that i let myself open up a little
wanting to both move on and never let go
not quite ready to grow up. or am i.
feeling a little too observatory/girl in a fishbowl at times
how connected are we all, really? or all we are just moving around and past each other?

So true.

Can we all agree on this?

In other news, Google Calendar runs my life.

letting it go

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might want to turn your head
Cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said

today = brunch. beach. brain on fire.

top goal of the moment:

banish unnecessary usage of the the word "like" from my vocabulary. effective immediately. any readers, please help me enforce this with any method you see fit. thanks.

of mice and men and interns and clarity

If I've learned one thing from my myriad internships and jobs, its that I want to be a good supervisor. A good boss. A good coworker. Someone that helps to shape a positive, enjoyable, productive work environment.

A job isn't just the task at hand--its something that consumes hours of lives, a purpose behind a drive, and also affects the lifestyle and mental state of the worker, beyond the effect the actual work done in work hours has on a business or on clients or on the world.

It doesn't take much to be a pleasant part of an office. In all honesty, I think it takes more effort to be curt, brusque, unfriendly, unhelpful, uninviting, and cold. By chatting with coworkers, smiling, editing others' work or taking on a project someone can't handle, inviting someone for lunch or coffee, offering to pick up something or run an errand for a busy boss, or answering the simplest or toughest of questions, you can make a huge difference in the comfort level of a work environment.

Encouraging workers to take a break, rather than chaining them to a desk forcefully or subconsciously, is another great way to boost morale--even the most motivated people can't focus for 8 hours a day--why make them try? Condone coffee breaks, and employee bonding. Happy employees do more work. Angry employees will procrastinate and do mediocre work.

Don't discourage dialogue. Don't ever make someone feel stupid for asking a question, because one day, that person will be too cowed to ask a question, and you might not like the result of the work they do without questioning.

Also, just remember things. Not big things, but you know, when your intern is coming into the office, or when their last day is. Just one of those ways to make employees feel valued.

that's it for now. something more coherent later--I want to read more about workplace theory at bigger companies, or more productive companies.

our need for definitions

dating. seeing each other. relationship. boyfriend. hanging out. whatever. hooking up.

why do we feel the need to define (or not define) our romantic/sexual relationships so much? the range from immediate serious relationship to serious commitment-phobe within my group of friends makes for interesting gossip and conversations.

a friend of mine feels "dating" is too serious a term for what he and a new interest are doing--but aren't they going on dates? my silliness lately, when contrasted to recent engagements in my crowd, seems overblown.

do we seek to define because it gives us security? do we leave things undefined because definition might mean we care? do we wait to see if someone else defines first as part of a power struggle? leave things loose so we don't lose pride if it doesn't work out?

Not falling apart

My happy list post today just proves to me that a lot of what stresses me out is just in my head. Even with a week as stressful as the last one or two have been, there's so many little (and big) things that should keep me from blowing up.

The weekend with the London ladies was exactly what I needed: some of my favorite people, in my favorite city, and all we had to have to make a good time was each other! We ate and drank and shopped and napped and caught up and LAUGHED! Emily's parents treated us to Maroon 5 tickets out in Mansfield, which was an unexpectedly wonderful night--Adam Levine is gorgeous, and I'd forgotten how much I love their music.

This week is all about trying to take a deep breath and not overinvest myself. I stepped down as the chair of a committee for Generation Progress, a PAC/networking organization launched by a friend. I'll remain involved, but wised up and took a leadership load off. I'm almost at the end of all the summer orientation fairs for freshmen, and onto some of the final preparations for the student groups I run. I'm also freelancing right now, and am quite a bit behind on my hours, but I'll hopefully get around to it this week and the next.

Starting/continuing to ponder jobs. This internship has been a minor-league disaster. Jobs and bosses and work always make me think about how I'd do it better as either an employee or a boss in another instance. I really want to own my own company eventually--not sure what the mission would be, but I've been talking about creating the ultimate work environment obsessively lately. Grad school's also in the back of my mind. My poor buzzing mind.

I booked tickets home for two weeks from now, and tickets to Tampa to see my grandmother right before classes start in September. Classes start?! Eek. Still trying to figure out what my 4th class is going to be: options I've found range from journalism on the web to psychobiology to Islam. We'll see what I pick.

Taking.
Deep.
Breaths.

I think that's the top priority on my long to-do list. That, and remembering to focus on the happy things.

lets have a conversation...

this was quite possibly one of the worst weeks ive had in quite some time.
tomorrow will be better, because it has to be.
one nice thing, is when your chips are down, you do realize how wonderful your friends really are, not to be toooo cliche.
i need to reset, shed some responsibility, and really take care of myself for once. and not just say it, but do it. otherwise, we're going to have a problem.

I can see the whole city from the top of my building...

So I've switched gears.

I'm working for a lobbying/consulting group that has clients seeking change on the state legislative level. It's letting me get a closer look at yet another thing I could do with my soon-to-be-achieved BS (any irony here?) in political science. I've worked at the MA State House before, but for a senator, and it's a way different world as a lobbyist. We have about a dozen active clients, all seeking either budget earmarks (we successfully passed every earmark we lobbied for--the governor didn't line-item veto any of them this month!) or seeking support for legislation. I'm not sure how I feel about lobbying, tactics, or the entire field of elected politics right now. July has been one crazy month, and the legislative session 2007-2008 ends Thursday, when its do-or-die for every bill thats been raised in the last two years. Same-day election day registration is a big cause in the state right now, and we're involved. August will be crazy quiet in the office after all the legislative hubbub is over, but they want me to help redo their marketing materials, which will be good experience.

I also picked up a freelance gig working for a new website called www.povo.com--check it out! Kind of cross between Yelp and Wikipedia. More on that later...

what if?

its that time of the year--im overanalyzing.

go out? stay in?
sleep? work out?
job? suntan?
beach? city?
flipflops? heels?
nerd it up? drink harder?
look for love? enjoy being selfish?
criticize? ignore?
try to fix the flaws? look for just the good in things?
ambition? enjoy the little things?
care for myself more? care for others more?
the big picture? the short-term?
keep making to-do lists? just turn my brain off?

in other news:
i'm definitely scanning the internet for post-grad jobs in london.
im way excited to be on campus for classes in the fall.
im loving summer in the city: bars, free live music, life chats over coffee or champagne, long walks in the south end.
im trying to say yes to most things this summer.
rihanna is the current musical guilty pleasure.
late nights on porches make long days at the internship worthwhile.
summer tans and dirty feet are good for the soul.
i'm proud of my brother for deciding to go to california in the fall, and looking forward to watching him love college like i have.
living by the water is essential to my sanity.
laughing in the back corner at work with the interns is so gratifying.
i know i made the right choice in coming to boston for 4 years so far.

the end of the beginning of the end.

Yesterday and today brought the end of the two internships making up my 3rd coop rotation.

The jobs weren't what I expected. However, if I've learned anything from the coop concept, its that so often, what you reap from the situation isn't all about the good parts. Its the entire experience: good, bad, how your boss treated you, how you interacted with the environment, learning about the sphere of work you were involved in.

I still need some focused reflection time on the jobs, but I think that even though the outcome of the past 5+ months is a far sight from what I thought it would be, I'm satisfied with my choices and the end result.

This semester was quick, and kind of blurry though. In a year or two, I'm not sure what the defining moments will have been. One of the more mellow semesters I've had in Boston, and introspective on some levels, but without the focus and the drive to really delve into things with the passion I'm used to.

I go home Monday, and am hoping that with some time at home, and my 21st birthday in two weeks, I can use the change in lifestyle and schedule as a catalyst. Cast off any feelings about the past chapter in my life, and start a new one: pick the tone, set my goals, and take a different approach to all the parts of my life.

The general election is now a go, with Obama as the confirmed challenger to McCain. As a political science nerd, this will also be a big part of the next chapter of my life. Other bits that have to comprise my next chapter:

-summer internship
-fall classes on campus for the first time since fall 2006
-deciding whether or not to prepare for the LSAT
-beginning the job investigation
-cleaning house, mentally, and physically. I want to slim down my body, my belongings, my neuroses: less baggage all around.
-taking advantage of Boston, because after May 2009, who knows where I'll be
-making the most of time with friends and family: traveling to see people, jacking up my phone bill keeping in touch with those who aren't anywhere near me, and making time in what's going to be a busy summer and year for the ones that matter--and only the ones that matter. Nobody who brings me down, or frustrates me, or is an emotional drain. Only the good ones--and I'm lucky to have enough of those around.
-finding things that center me, and remembering to keep them high on the to-do list. working out, reading the paper, walking in the south end, sitting by the esplanade, going to the MFA--things that always make me happy.
-being a more positive person in other people's lives--not being such a worrywart or complainer or overanalyst.
-plenty of sleep, plenty of water, plenty of hugs.
-more writing.

April showers bring...a lot of thoughts in May

Having two internships simultaneously, along with new responsibilities in two student groups (a presidency and a vice presidency) makes for a split-screen brain lately. it's hard to know which part of my life to concentrate on: work, campus life, personal wellbeing, social life, connections back home and outside of the city, the future. Sometimes an influx of things helps me pull it together and focus: currently, I'm all over the map.

Public Relations Internship:
Minus: Basement desk. No windows. Lack of connection to other staff/interns upstairs. Clients that aren't exactly sparkly. Lack of on going projects because I'm not there every day.
Plus: The nicest, most laid-back boss ever. After a month or two, more freedom to try and learn. Realizing I'm learning a little more about the industry than I thought I would. Interesting conversation with a freelance copywriter entirely by accident on the phone this morning.

Marketing internship:
Minus: No other staff my age. Lack of ongoing projects because I'm not in every day. Bizarre company set-up. Boss is getting laid off effective Friday. Very little interaction with company owners, even considering the tiny nature of the office.
Plus: Strong positive interaction with (slightly insane) boss prior to her layoff. Seen as insightful as a result of being part of the target audience of the company. Freedom in many aspects of my small projects.

End result (with one month left of each job)--still no idea what I want to pursue post-graduation. July/August yields an internship with a consulting/lobbying firm with progresive roots, near the MA State House. On the ground work, the chance to directly lobby, they want me to do PR (!) after seeing it mentioned on my resume. Working downtown, near the commons, beautiful weather. WIll have three day weekends every week. Hopefully very hands on, active, influential in small office and on political platforms.