I have cried more times in the past month than I may have cried the rest of 2008. I'm not sure if this is me letting myself go more often, or more weird things in my life, or hormones, or what. I suppose it's cathartic on some level, but the control freak in me is really upset (maybe I'll cry about it...).

8 days until Thanksgiving. So excited for my family and girls at home and my dog.
3.5 weeks until the last day of the semester.

Some of the good in the past week:

• phonecall from my cousin living in Boston
• shabu shabu with the girls and toomey for Danielle's birthday
• a nice relaxing night at Punter's on Saturday
• giving my 2nd to last presentation in PolComm today
• randomly warm days in November when I could wear flipflops
• the people I see constantly (i.e, almost every day) on campus--the routine makes me smile.
  

I reread all the entries in my old livejournal just now.

So many entries still ring true. And part of me was a lot more honest and open freshman year. Hard to believe this is my fifth year of college. I think I need some of the introspection I allowed myself back then. Now, I think, and then put those thoughts on the backburner to focus on something more "pressing". Introspection is pressing though. And necessary.

My roommate Lori, to me at the bar tonight: "you're that girl that everyone tells their shit to."

When I'm stressed, I hold my breath.

Bizarre, no?

The trickledown effects of it are even sillier. By holding my breath, I cut off oxygen to my brain and probably make it more difficult to use my braincells for the time being. Holding my breath forces me to tense all the muscles in my body, especially my back, causing muscle pain that stresses me out more.

But, I think I know why I hold my breath: in the face of stress and uncontrollable outside forces, only I can control my breathing, and when and how I do it. It's akin, in many ways, to people who use food as a control mechanism (not in an extreme way, but I do that too--I'll tell myself I can eat when I've finished certain tasks or timespans of doing something).

Control is a big deal in my life. I'm learning how to share power and responsibility this semester, and to try to lessen my burdens, and it's tricky business for my personality and my lifestyle. Because I lack control over so much at the moment, it's harder to maintain control, mentally, over the things I actually can maintain oversight on--making me more stressed in the process.

I surround myself with other high-octane control freaks, which by proxy makes me feel like my levels of insanity are normal, when in fact we're all crazy. At least there's comfort in company...? This semester is not what I planned on in any way shape or form, and I'll be a changed person afterwards for many reasons. I guess the lesson is to take away everything I can from the stresses and the control lessons and the things and topics I'm engrossed in, rather than try to maximize the current experience as much as I've been stressing about.